AUTHOR: DebiC

EMAIL: dcole6@satx.rr.com

DATE: 4 July 2001

STATUS: Finished

CATAGORY: POV, Angst, Smarm

SPOILERS: Into The Fire, The Children Of The Gods, Hathor, Need

SEASON/SEQUEL INFO: Third season.

RATING: PG-13. Language, Violent Memories

SUMMARY: What was wrong with Daniel in Into The Fire

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

From Fire In The Light

O'Neill, still wearing his BDU's was walking purposefully down the hall towards the locker room. He had been released from the infirmary at last. Doc Fraiser had thoroughly enjoyed herself this time; poking, prodding and generally irritating him to 'death'. She had been fascinated with the goa'uld symbiote that had been implanted and how when it had been killed by his refreezing, thanks to the Tok'ra infiltrator into Hathor's imitation SGC facility, it had been 'dissolved and reabsorbed with no trace'. Hah! Maybe to her machines, it had left no trace, but to him, there was definitely a trace--a big ugly trace. He knew that he had been lucky this time, very lucky and that he'd be having a whole new set of nightmares to contend with along with the rest of his extensive collection.

He was passing through the lab area on his way to his locker to pick up a few things when he noticed a light under Daniel Jackson's door. Jack hadn't seen much of his friend lately, what with Fraiser's medical monopoly on his carcass. Carter had been in and out and of course, Teal'c had appeared last evening after

Janet had finished retesting her test results. The big man often stood sentinel at the bedsides of his teammates when they were infirmary bound. But Daniel had been significantly absent. Probably using the time to catch up on some translations on his 'rocks'.

O'Neill sauntered over to the door, opening it and poking his head in while tapping on the frame. When he got no response he cleared his throat loudly. "Hello, anybody home?"

Daniel, who had been obliviously bent over his worktable, jerked up, dropping the valuable artifact, knocking over a can of pens and pencils scattering them across worktop and onto the floor.

"Hey," Jack smiled at his friend's clumsiness, stepped through the door and hurried over to help. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Jackson was frantically chasing the runaway articles across the desk and down onto the floor. As he disappeared to crouch by his chair, the older man squatted down on the front side of the table. "Daniel, are you okay?" He repeated, effortlessly capturing the last feral writing instrument.

The blue eyes that looked up at him from Daniel's face were shadowed, dull as if their normal ever-present sparkle had turned back on itself and gone into hiding, pulling in all the light they normally possessed after them. "I'm fine." The answer was succinct, emotionless and totally uninformative. Then he was gone, climbing back up towards the tabletop.

Jack sat there on the floor a second thinking; that was a Jackson Red Flag. It did not mean 'fine' as in healthy, happy and satisfied as with ordinary folk. 'I'm fine' from Daniel usually meant 'I'm still standing and I'll survive.' It was usually accompanied with a self-hug of defensiveness. Jack heaved himself up slowly to a standing position and looked over the table. Sure enough, self-hug in progress with head down. A Level Two Condition. "Daniel, what's the matter?"

The head down self-hug was completed by a foot shuffle. He reached back to the worktop and straightened a pile of paperwork. Then the head lifted, the dull blue eyes repeated, "I said I was fine."

O'Neill started around the table; this was going to be a hands on discussion. "Daniel, I know you. You may say you're fine but...you're not. What's wrong?" He reached out to touch the slumped shoulder but it moved out of reach towards some shelving on the far wall. Damn the kid was getting quick, or maybe he was getting slower...nah, couldn't be.

After placing a reference book back on the shelf Daniel turned towards the door that lead into the hall. "I'm sorry, Jack. I'm really busy...and I..."

Jack shoved his arm in front of Daniel, effectively cutting off his escape route. "Too busy to what, talk? Too busy to visit me in the clinic? Or too busy to tell me what the hell is bothering you?" He pushed; taking his advantage while his friend was blockaded.

Finally, all avenue of escape cut off, the young scientist turned to face his friend but the eyes still would not meet his. "No, Jack. I...I just didn't think you wanted to see me. So I kept busy finishing..."

"Why wouldn't I want to see you Danny?" Eureka, he had hit pay dirt. Jack just hoped he wouldn't get buried in it. "Of course I wanted to see you. Why wouldn't I?" He pressed.

Daniel chewed on his lip a moment and took a deep breath to answer. "Well. I mean, I thought you'd want to see Sam and Teal'c."

"Yes. Yes, I did want to see them. And they came to visit; Carter brought cookies cause she thought you would be there. Teal'c played Jaffa guard until the Doc ran him off. But," and he paused for effect. "I wanted to see you too, you know, to make sure you were okay." Jack had an urge to touch Daniel but he resisted. Answers first.

"Yea, well." Head ducking, eyes still not meeting his. "As you can see, I'm okay." Daniel slumped against the bookshelves and shook his head. "I just wasn't sure..."

Curiousier and curiousier, now Jack was perplexed. "You weren't sure because..." He left the sentence unfinished for his friend to finish it.

Finally, the head raised and the lackluster blue eyes did meet his. "Because I let her put a snake in your head." He said softly.

O'Neill had been surprised before in his life, even shocked and sometimes bewildered but now he was totally clueless as to what the hell Daniel was talking about. "What?"

Daniel's voice continued on slowly and distinctly as if talking to a child. "I stood there and let her put a snake in your head."

"What the hell are you talking about?" O'Neill shook his head. "Danny..."

"Stop it Jack!" Daniel pushed through the barrier arm and headed panicked towards the door. It took the older man a second or two to realize what his best friend had just said. It cost him his advantage. Daniel pushed out the door and bolted. By the time the Colonel had comprehended what he meant and gave chase to the doorway, his prey was out of sight.

O'Neill leaned back on the doorframe and gathered his thoughts. He didn't quite know how his friend had reached his conclusion but he was sure that Daniel firmly believed everything he had just said. After a few seconds Jack realized that he had to catch up with the young archeologist and now, or it was going to get even more screwed up than it already was. He jogged over to the elevator, impatiently hitting the down button several times. Daniel was very predictable, at least as far as he was concerned. The two of them were completely different in many ways but when they were hurting they both reacted the same. They went to ground.

When the elevator finally dinged open it's doors Jack entered and punched in level 29. This was the lowest level of Cheyenne Mountain, where all the storage rooms were located. It was cool, dark and very seldom visited by the normal SGC population. After the elevator deposited him at his destination, Jack quietly made his way down a dimly lit hallway to a certain room, a room that over a year ago he and Daniel had faced another such crisis and survived. He just hoped that the room was still imbued with the same luck it had bestowed upon him then.

Sure enough the room's steel door was slightly cracked open, though no light showed itself from around the edges. As Jack pushed it open the backlight from the hallway caused his shadow to proceed him inside. He stood in the opening silhouetted against the illumination. "Daniel, are you in here?"

There was no sound. He waited, listening. Finally, he thought he heard a held breath force itself out. "Danny. I know you're in here." He took a slow step inside the storeroom. After a minute had passed and he was beginning to doubt his Jacksonology studies, he heard another sound, a soft sigh. "Daniel."

A hoarse cough, then a ragged breath. "Damn you."

"Yep," Jack agreed willingly enough. "Most likely." He tilted his head trying to locate his quarry. A soft breathing sound finally led him into the almost total darkness. He stopped, facing an exceedingly black corner, then bent down. He tilted his head and cleared his throat. "Hi ya." He extended a hand out and laid it on soft hair. Once he'd made contact, Jack settled himself on the floor legs crossed Indian fashion beside his friend. Then he waited.

After a good five minutes, the subdued voice asked. "How'd you find me?"

Jack inhaled and thought of an answer. "Thought about it. Figured this is where you'd be."

A noise between a laugh and a sob came out of the darkness. "Not very smart, I guess."

"Hey, I found you didn't I?" Jack replied with a grin.

"Not you, Jack. Me. Not very original."

"Hey, you could probably hide down here for a year if it was anyone else. Face it Danny, I know you too well." O'Neill replied to the darkness. "Just like you could find me."

Another long pause. "Why did you come?"

"I came because I'm trying to figure out what the hell you were talking about." Jack wished he could see his friend's face. "What did you mean?"

"Jack, I couldn't come to visit you in the infirmary because I'm...ashamed...of what I didn't do. How useless..."

"And afraid?" He supplied gently.

"And afraid." Daniel's disembodied voice continued. "I just stood there..."

Jack continued on for him. "Yea, just stood there with two armed guards the size of Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant behind you and the Queen Bitch Snake herself in front of you. Of course you were scared. So was I."

"I didn't do anything Jack! I just stood there and watched her put a Goa'uld larva in you!" Daniel's voice had risen. "She put it in you and I didn't do anything. Just like Sha'uri, just like Skarra! I just watched her do it and didn't do a damn thing to stop her!"

Jack heard the hysterical note enter Daniel's voice and felt, not saw his friend get to his feet. "Danny!" He too rose and caught Jackson's arm. "Danny, you didn't 'let' anything happen! You were a prisoner too! You couldn't have stopped her!"

The voice calmed, but a different note took panics place. "I could have tried. I should have done something, anything. Sam tried. She at least argued. But I just stood there...and watched...and she put a snake..."

Now Jack was getting scared. He spun his friend to face him and grasped his other arm. "Danny, you couldn't help it! You couldn't stop her! You were her prisoner too for God's sake. There was nothing you could have done."

The ensuing pause was gravid. "I could have fought. I could have died."

Jack inhaled sharply. "Danny!"

"I should have, Jack. I should have died before I let her do that to you, but I didn't...couldn't. I just stood there...and watched her...all over again." A sob rattled in the air. "I'm so sorry...God, Jack." Daniel fell forward into his friend's arms. Jack caught him, supported him. "I'm sorry."

Jack stood holding Daniel by his arms. He was shocked by the horror in his friend's words. When he examined the scene that played itself over and over again in his nightmares, he realized that he really hadn't noticed the younger man. He'd been too busy trying to survive, to escape. Jack vaguely remembered Carter's voice yelling a protest of his ultimate fate. But upon thinking back, in his mind's eye, he could see Daniel's face. It had been bone-white, shock and horror written across the normally expressive features. He realized now that Jackson had literally been unable to move a muscle. He had been scared to death. Now, Danny was charging himself with the ultimate crime, his own failure. And he was testifying his guilt to a hanging judge, himself. Taking a deep breath, Jack pulled his friend up close to him.

"Daniel." He only response was rough, ragged breathing. "Daniel, listen to me." He shook the shoulders that he held in a hard grip. "Listen to me!" He wished he could see his friend's face, but the darkness hid them both from each other. "Daniel, how long have I known you?"

"Wwhat?" A shaky voice answered his question hesitantly. "How long have I known you?" O'Neill insisted.

"Uh, five years...I think." Finally, a sentence.

"How long have I known Carter?" He pushed again.

"Th...three years."

"Good. Now, listen. What have we seen...together?"

"I don't..."

"Yes, you do know." Jack insisted, gripping Daniel's arms a little harder, knowingly bruising him. "We've seen Ra destroying thousands of people. We've seen villages torn apart, children dying, God help us we've seen your wife, your brother, your people taken, killed...Your home destroyed, your people run from their homes by Apophis. You were raped by Hathor, by that same goddamned bitch." Jack had to stop, to take a deep breath so he could go on. "Now, what has Carter seen?" Even without the light, he could feel Daniel trembling in his grasp. "She's seen Tok'ra, she's seen Azgard, Nox, us even win will once in a while, but Daniel she has no idea what the hell can happen to people we love. Yea, she's seen death but not the living death that we know is out there, not like we have!" Jack released Daniel's shoulders to cup his face in his hands.

"And...we both hope she never does." He could feel the younger man nodding. "Daniel, you couldn't do anything to stop Hathor, anymore that I could when she tried to make me her First Prime and raped you. I would have done anything to stop it, but I couldn't. I Could Not Do anything! Just like you could not do anything for me." He shifted his hold on Daniel to gather him in his arms. Jack continued on quietly in his friend's ear. "Danny, we aren't supermen. No matter what, we are only human...and after all is said and done, it's what we are. No more, no less."

"So, so what now?" Daniel's voice was a rough whisper. "What happens now?"

O'Neill sighed into the darkness. "So, we go on. We forgive ourselves and each other for being 'only human' because at the end of the day, that's the best thing we can be." He rubbed Daniel's back one last time, then opened his arms, allowing Daniel his freedom. "Look, I've been released by Doc Fraiser. I'm going home, order a hand-tossed pepperoni, black olive, green pepper and mushroom pizza. I'm going to drink a six pack of beer and watch the late movie, whatever it is." He patted Danny on the back. "Want to come?"

"I don't know, Jack." Daniel's voice was still rough from emotion.

"Oh, for crying out loud. Why not?"

"I don't like hand-tossed pizza."

Jack threw his arm around him and grinned, leading the other man into the light. "We'll get thin and crispy. What the hell am I going to do with you?" He asked fondly.

When they reached the lighted hallway, Daniel stopped and looked at Jack. "I don't know, Jack. I truly don't know."

"Well, I do." Jack paused for effect. "I'm going to take you home with me, feed you good pizza and cheap beer. Then, then we decide what we're going to do...for the weekend, at least." He gave Daniel a quick, rough hug then put his arm around the younger man's shoulder and they went together into the light.

Fins