Author: DJ Boyd

E-mail: calmpony@hotmail.com

Status: complete

Sequel: none

Rating: G

Season: Any Season

Pairings: None

Category: Humor

Spoilers: None

Content Warnings: none

Summary: Not one of the Colonel’s favorite SOPs.

Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 characters are owned by…well, someone other than me. Thanks to the powers that be, for allowing me to play with them. The following story and original characters are the property of the author.

Author’s Notes: I was advised today, during my own MRI to think of something else, other than the state of panic I was heading toward. Good advice. Here is the result, of my wandering mind.

Archive: Jackfic, Heliopolis, NoPeskyFish, Incoming Worm Hole, others please ask. Feedback is appreciated, and in my case has been known to be an effective substitute for prescription strength anti-depressants. (Just ask my family.)

MRI
By
DJ Boyd

"Colonel? Where are you going?"

"Huh? Who me?"

"Yes, sir…you."

"Uhh…thought I would go take a shower. If that’s alright with you, Doc."

"Sir, you know SOP. MRI’s are required of all personnel returning from off world."

"Janet, if I was hungry, I would rather eat in the commissary than those pre-packaged, add water or not, mystery meals they call food."

"Colonel…MRI…not MRE."

"Oh yeah, that."

"Yes, that."

"What does MRI stand for anyway…Maniacal Regurgitation Imminent?"

"No…Magnetic Resonance Imagery, as you well know, sir."

"Oh, yeah…that."

"The techs are waiting for you sir."

"I’m sure they are."

**

"Hello, Colonel. Take off your belt, and empty your pockets, sir."

"Right."

"Lay on your back, sir. Ames, pass me that pillow for the Colonel?"

"Sir…your earplugs."

"Have either one of you ever been inside this thing?"

"No, sir."

"Only once, sir."

"Well? How did you like it?"

"I couldn’t say, sir. I was unconscious at the time."

"That doesn’t count. Anyone could do this knocked out. Hey, that’s an idea…why don’t you slip me a little happy juice."

"Sorry, sir. That would have to be approved by Dr. Fraiser…and you have done this numerous times without the aid of medication, sir."

"Just relax Colonel O’Neill…this should be routine for you by now."

"Ya think?"

"Sir, just take a deep breath…that’s right."

"Colonel…you need to exhale as well…"

"Don’t rush me."

"Yes, sir." "Colonel, sometimes it helps if you close your eyes."

"Think of something else, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Pretend you are anywhere except…shoved up inside a tube that is so closed in, your arms touch the sides, your nose brushes the ceiling, and is so noisy it sounds like the building is coming down. Right."

"Yes, sir."

"The things I do for my country. Let’s get on with it."

"You know the drill, sir…a series of clicks, clucks, thumps and buzzing. Nothing to worry about at all."

"Yeah…right."

"Here we go, sir."

**

‘Ok, O’Neill, nuthin’ to worry about…just loud noise, in a very small space. Think of something else.’

Clicka-clicka, cluck, cluck, cluck.

‘Sounds like that little black bird that hangs out at the cabin.’

Bo-wap, bo-wap, bo-wap.

‘That’s a tree frog on steroids.’

Tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat.

‘Red crested woodpecker…again on steroids.’

Buzz-zow-buzz-zow-buzz-zow-buzz-zow-buzz-zow-buzz-zow-buzz-zow.

‘Mosquito. Native born.’

Woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa.

‘Bull frog…mega steroids.’

Beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle ,beezle, beezle.

‘Cricket on speed.’

Thumpathumpathumpathumpathumpathumpathumpathumpathumpathumpa.

‘Don’t recognize that one…wait, oh yeah…its my heart. Well, I guess that’s a good thing.’

Beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle, beezle.

Woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa, woofa.

Buzz-zow,buzz-zow,buzz-zow,buzz-zow,buzz-zow,buzz-zow,buzz-zow.

Tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat.

Bo-wap, bo-wap, bo-wap.

Clicka-clicka, cluck, cluck, cluck.

**

"Colonel O’Neill?"

"Colonel, sir…you can wake up now sir."

"Huh…what? Oh, guess I dosed off."

"Yes, sir, see not so bad."

"And this comes from the one who has never been inside ‘THUMPER’?"

"Yes, sir."

"Tell you what…I’ll talk to Fraiser…see if she’ll give you a ticket for a free ride."

"Ah, that’s ok, sir…no need."

"Right."

"Well, Colonel, I see you have survived another MRI."

"Dr. Fraiser, we were just talking about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah…seems you have a technician here that has never had the opportunity to enjoy the soothing sounds, of THUMPER."

"Soothing sounds, sir?"

"Yep, Minnesota’s Requiem for the Insomniac."

END