I had been home for two days and I think that’s it’s pretty safe to say that out of those forty eight hours, I think I slept for thirty six of them.  I would probably have slept for longer if it wasn’t for that fact that Janet would wake me when she came by to check on me.

Reaching day three, I decided that I would make a concerted effort to stay awake for a little longer.  I showered, dressed in sweats and began my slow shuffle down the stairs to the kitchen where I managed to down one of Janet’s protein shakes.  Then with painfully slowly progress, I reached the couch in the lounge and settled down for a day of channel surfing.

The house was so peacefully, a stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of the infirmary, and once again I was grateful that General Hammond had to agreed to my request.  Janet had been adamant that when I was discharged I would need help and that maybe SG-1 would be given downtime to help me.  I had disagreed quite loudly.  I was mobile and perfect capable of looking after myself, so I’d told Hammond that SG-1 should stay on rotation.  Hammond, giving him credit, listened to both sides of the argument and then kept SG-1 on assignment.  So I went home alone.

I needed to think, to sort things out.  I wasn’t enjoying life at the moment, even before being hurt, and I wanted to think it through without the constant presence of people who thought that they knew best for me.  I know I shocked Janet with that ‘Maybe it’s time to quit’ statement and maybe I shocked myself by saying it but now it was a thought that was swimming around inside my head.  Something I had to give serious consideration to.

*

I must have drifted off the sleep because when I next looked at the clock it was almost lunchtime, so much for keeping myself awake.  I lay there watching some brainless chat show where mothers and daughters were shouting and screaming at each other, trying to gather up the energy to get off the couch and knock back another of those awful protein shakes and eat a sandwich.

Then the doorbell rang.

Well, it couldn’t be Janet because she had said she would be by during early evening so I contemplated not answering it.  But whoever it was, they weren’t giving up and I gingerly climbed up off the sofa and started the shuffle to the door.

“Okay, okay.”  Whoever it was was impatient as I reached the door.  With a sigh I opened it only to find Jacob standing on the porch.

“Jacob?”  I glanced behind him expecting to see at least Sam but it appeared that he was on his own. 

“Hey Jack.”  He gave a small shrug.  “So….can I come in?”

Recovering from my initial shock I opened the door wider and he stepped past me into the house. 

“Make yourself at home.” 

I walked through to the kitchen aware that he was following me and made for the fridge.  “Can I get you something?”

He eyed the drinks container that I retrieved from the fridge without enthusiasm.  “Not if that’s what you have to offer?”  He watched as I poured some of the contents out into a glass.  “What the hell is that?”

I put the bottle back in the fridge.  “Janet’s magic protein shake.  Personally, I think she’s trying to poison me.  I’m not allowed coffee but I can brew some up for you.”

“Nah, Selmac isn’t a great fan of coffee.”  He was watching me closely, noting that I wasn’t the steadiest of people of my feet.  “Sit down Jack and drink that concoction.  I can help myself.”

Knowing that it was useless to argue with Jacob, where do you think Sam’s stubbornness came from, I took a seat at the kitchen table and watched as he poured himself a glass of juice.

“If you want something to eat……”

Jacob threw me a grin.  “Sandwiches okay?”

I nodded and began drinking my shake.  “So what brings you here?”

He laid bread, salad, ham and mayo out on the table and then took a seat opposite me.  “I came because George told me what happened.”

“It’s done and dusted, as you can see I’m well on the road to recovery.”   I never was comfortable talking about myself.

I watched as he expertly put together a sandwich, placed it on a plate and pushed it in front of me.  “And I also wanted to talk about Kanan.”

*

I probably moved faster than I had in a long time when I left the kitchen as soon as those words were out of his mouth.  There were things that I never wanted to discuss again in my life, Iraq, Daniel’s ascension and Kanan being among them. 

But I should have know that Jacob wouldn’t just leave it and my shoulders slumped as I heard his footsteps as he stepped out on the decking.

“Jack, I’m sorry.”  He moved to stand next to me.

“Why?”  I turned to look at him.  “You’ve jumped to same conclusion as everyone else.”

He looked puzzled.  “Huh?”

I shivered in the cool autumn air and he looked worried.  “Why don’t we go back inside.  Janet would kill me if you caught a cold or something.”

*

“So what’s going on?  You’ve got everyone worried about you.”

We were now in the lounge and Jacob wasn’t going to let up. 

“I’m fine, still a little sore but I’m fine.”  I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. 

He sat back and looked straight at me.  “So what’s going on?”

“This is going to be a very boring conversation if we keep repeating sentences.”

“So answer the question.”

“I already did.”

We glared at each other.

“Jack, what happened with Yalen…….You could never had predicted it.” 

I shook his head.  “I disagree.  I should have been more careful, looked for the signs.  For crying out loud he made sure that he never got too close to Teal’c and Carter which was a clear sign that he knew that they would have sensed that he was Goau’ld.  I was careless.”

“Nobody is perfect, Jack.”

“I was stupid.”  My energy was rapidly diminishing and I had the overwhelming urge to close my eyes and let sleep take me over.

“So what are you doing to do about it?”  The question forced me back to reality.

“Maybe I’ll do nothing about it.”  I took a deep breath.  “Jacob, as much as I hate to admit it you are right.  I’m not perfect, I never was and I never claimed to be however hard I tried.  But at the moment I just want to take some time out and reassess what I am.  Is that so hard to everyone to understand?”  I was really beginning to feel the fatigue and I think Jacob sensed that.

“Okay, I’ll back off.”  He didn’t sound too happy but I was past caring as my eyes slid closed.

*

The next time I woke, I found I was back lying full out on the couch and someone, no doubt Jacob, had placed a blanket over me.  There was a fire in the hearth and I found myself mesmerised by the flickering flames.  Then I heard the murmur of voices in the kitchen and my heart sank when I realised that I still wasn’t alone.

I must have moved and made a noise because the voices stopped, only to be replaced with footsteps as Janet walked into the lounge.

“Colonel?”  She sat down on the edge of the coffee table and placed her hand on my forehead.  “How are you feeling?”

I irritably pushed her hand away.  “I’m doing great, doc.”  I sat up and fixed her with a glare.  “What are you doing here?”

She ignored my bad mood.  “I told you I’d be by after work to check on you.  It was the deal, remember?   I must admit that I was surprised to find Jacob here.”

“He’s still here?”

She nodded.  “He let me in, said that you’d been sleeping for the majority of the afternoon.”

“Yeah, well.”  I wasn’t in the mood for Janet tonight and she was wise enough to sense it.  “I’m just going to run my checks and leave you for the night.  There’s soup in the kitchen and Jacob’s warming it through.  I advise you to eat it before you take any more of your meds.”

*

With my pulse, respiration rate, blood pressure duly checked and noted on her charts, Janet left leaving me with Jacob who had just put a tray down in front of me.

“Chicken soup.”  He laughed.  “Why is it that they think that chicken soup is good for whatever ails you.”

I pushed the tray away, my appetite had yet to return.  “I hate chicken soup.”

He shrugged and took the bowl.  “Just as well I do then.”

“Jacob, why don’t you go and see Sam.  I’m sure she’d appreciate a visit from her dad.”  I admit, it wasn’t a subtle hint.

He ate a few mouthfuls of soup and then grinned.  “Don’t forget, Sam’s off base at the moment.  You didn’t want them on down time.”

I’d had enough.  “Okay, Jacob, what the hell do you want me to say.  Yes Kanan used me and I went through hell.  But it’s over and done with, filed away and I’ve moved on.  Satisfied.”

“No.”  He put the bowl down.  “Janet told me that you were thinking of quitting.  Why?”

“The grey hair.  It’s getting me down.” 

“Very funny.  Why do you want to quit?” 

I drummed my fingers on my thigh in a conscious effort not to explode but I could feel the beginnings of the headache.  “Look Jacob, I know what you are trying to do and I appreciate it.  But I also don’t like being manipulated.  I’ve already shot down my team, the doc and George so they’ve sent you.”  I stopped drumming my fingers.  “But I can’t explain it you just as I can’t explain it to them…..or myself either.  Everyone just needs to understand that I will figure it myself and just leave me to it.”

Jacob nodded, as if finally taking it what I had been trying to say for the last few hours.  “Okay, we can do that but it doesn’t mean that we agree with you.”

He got to his feet.  “Remember that we will be waiting for when you decide to talk.”

*

Every day I got stronger and by the second week of being at home, I had stopped shuffling and managed to stay awake for a whole day.  I started walking round the neighbourhood to build up my strength and I was beginning to feel pretty good, physically.

By now I would normally be nagging the doc to let me back on light duty but this time that feeling was missing.  Sitting on the deck after my morning walk, I started to ponder why I wasn’t chomping at the bit to return to work, the real reasons….not hiding behind the latest injury.

I couldn’t say it was being infected with that virus that started of, I couldn’t even say it was Daniel’s ascension that was the trigger, I still couldn’t put my finger on it.  I still felt mentally drained but I couldn’t explain it.  God I could go crazy.  How could I explain it to anyone else if I couldn’t explain it to myself?  Who would have thought that walking into that trap would trigger this.

*

When I heard the car draw up outside, I moved to the window to see General Hammond get out of his car and walk up towards the house.