Title: Here and Now

Author: Magicsunbeam

Email: magicsunbeam@ntlworld.com

Category: POV/Sara

Pairing: Rating: G

Season/sequel: Badgergators: Past and Present and People Long Gone.

Summary: Sara is asked to try and help Jack out after his accident on the mountain.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes onlyand no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent.

Author's Notes: I read Badger's story for the first time a couple of days ago and was so swept along by it all, I had 70 muses trying to kick my door down. Mary - what can I say? You pushed my buttons good and proper. Thanx for the brilliant story. J.

Here and Now

by Magicsunbeam

All his life, Jack O'Neill has managed to get himself into some shit or another, but getting hurt seems to be pretty high on his list of regular occurrences since Charlie died. He claims it's part and parcel of his job, but I don't know. Either this top secret Stargate job is some huge injury magnet or the Jack O'Neill I know, military man extraordinaire, is beginning to lose his edge a little. I prefer to think it's the former.

I have to admit I was a little surprised when I got the call from Daniel Jackson, asking me if I would come visit Jack at the Academy hospital. He didn't really divulge much information. Just that Jack had had a serious accident, he was in a critical condition but was stable. As I said, this type of thing happens to Jack often. So I asked Daniel, what was so different this time? He hummed and ahhhed then, mentioned the one word that still binds Jack and me together.

Charlie.

Now this may come over as me being a cold hearted bitch but I told Daniel, before I decided if I would - *could*- involve myself with more grief, I wanted to know the details. We arranged to meet at a café across the street from the hospital. There, Daniel told me everything about his accident - and I mean *everything*.

When he told me what he had said to Jack, about being a lousy dad, I wanted to slug him there and then. Jack was *never* a lousy dad, he was the best. He and Charlie had a solid relationship. When Jack was home, he more than made up for his absences. Be it horsing around, fixing something up or just watching game on T.V., they were always together. Heck, there were times when even I got jealous watching them. They were a team. A good team. My team.

I don't know Daniel very well, but I recognized the amount of grief those words had caused. He never meant them, even I know that, and I'm sure Jack would know that too. I watched his pained expression, as he told me he blamed himself for what happened to Jack that night. I told him what happened was an accident. Just an accident.

Daniel told me, during the dash down the mountain, Jack had been talking to his parents, a couple of his military buddies and Charlie. All people who he cared for or felt the need to impress.

All dead people.

Whilst Jack was now aware that they were all gone, this was causing him some psychological problems. Daniel thought I could help him find his footing again.

*Me*. Yeah right, I thought to myself. Knowing Jack as I do, I seriously doubt he would want me around.

When I gave it some thought, I realized we don't fight like we used to. We agreed a while ago to meet on Charlie's special days. Birthdays. Christmas -his anniversary. We may not be able to live together but we can still be there to hold each other up during the worst times.

Who was I trying to kid? I still love Jack O'Neill. I never stopped. His life, what was left of his emotions, shut down and he didn't know how to start it up again. I was devastated by his actions at the time, but I know now it doesn't make him a bad person. I just feel so sorry for him. Not being able to open out, to allow someone close enough to offer you comfort. He must lead a lonely life.

In the end I agreed to go with Daniel, although I had no idea what I was going to say to Jack. Secretly I worried about whether he would see me, or if he would push me away - like always.

A small woman, who introduced herself as Dr Fraiser, Jack's doctor, met us in the hallway outside ICU. She gave me the full rundown on his injuries and at that point, I don't mind telling you, half of me wanted to run like hell. She finished by telling me that, despite what he looked like now, Jack was going to be fine. He needed some quality TLC and time, that's all.

That's all, as if it was as simple as that. Nothing in life is simple with Jack O'Neill and judging by the strain that showed in her face, she knew that as well as I did.

#####

Despite the warning. Despite the knowledge that he *would*make a full recovery, I was not prepared for the torn up, flamboyantly coloured mess that greeted me when I walked into that room. Only once before had I seen Jack in such a damned mess, and that was when he came home from Iraq.

I stood for a moment, helpless to do or say anything, tears welling up and threatening to overflow. I silently thanked God Jack was asleep, I didn't want him to see me like that. I wanted to be supportive to him, not be supported *by* him.

From somewhere out of eye line, Dr Fraiser offered me a Kleenex and ushered me to the chair at Jack's bedside. Without taking my eyes off Jack's face, I listened as once more the doctor told me he would be fine. It looked bad, but he *would* be okay.

Never in a million years would I have thought I'd need courage to touch Jack, but I needed that courage then. He looked so fragile, I worried if I touched him, I might hurt him even more. The doctor must have seen my indecision and gently assured me he would be fine.

Hesitantly, I picked up his limp hand. For some reason, I was genuinely surprised to find it warm. Jack was so pale under all those scrapes and bruises, maybe my subconscious thought he looked dead, and therefore he would feel cold? Feeling reassured, I linked my fingers through his. I assumed I must have convinced the doctor that I was okay, because shortly after, she quietly stole out of the room.

Now alone with Jack, I allowed my eyes to wander over him and my brain to decipher the information. Apart from the masses of cuts and bruises that covered virtually every visible inch, his right leg was in a cast, broken ankle. His left arm was horribly swollen and was all the colours of the rainbow. He had apparently been bitten by a snake too. Only Jack, I thought to myself. Only Jack could be unlucky enough to lose control of his bike take a nosedive down a mountain and get himself bitten by a damned Rattler all in one go.

I reached out a hand and pushed a strand of hair back off his forehead. Realising how hot he was, I wrung a cloth out in a bowl of cold water and set about wiping the sheen of sweat from his face.

"Jesus, Jack. When the hell are you going to give yourself a break?" I asked him quietly.

The only answer I got was the soft bleeps from the machines that surround his bed.

#####

It was about an hour later when I noticed a change in him. He shifted slightly in his sleep, a soft groan escaping his bruised lips as he did so. After a while, his eyes opened to half-mast and he looked right at me.

"Hey Flyboy," I smiled. "How are you doing"?

It wasn't until he started calling for Charlie, that I realised he was looking right *through* me. It was the fever talking, Jack wasn't even on the same planet as me. I tried to quiet him, talking to him, telling him it would be okay, making soothing noises. Eventually, he fell back into an exhausted sleep, leaving me in tears. How much this reminded me of the days immediately following his escape from Iraq. I prayed to God then, never to let Jack go through so much pain again.

I guess He wasn't listening.

#####

I sat there for hours. Alone with my memories, hanging onto Jack's hand. Telling him things would be okay, every time that damned fever made him restless and he called out for Charlie. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up to find I'd laid my head down on Jack's bed. A blanket had been placed across my shoulders and the lights had been turned off, leaving the soft illumination of a bedside lamp. Jack seemed to be resting easily and the fever seemed to have dropped off a little.

Carefully untangling my numb hand from his I leaned back, trying to get the kinks out of my back. Glancing at my watch, I realised dawn wasn't far away. I stood up and wandered across to the window to watch the sun come up. I was only there a minute or two when I heard him stir. I went back to the chair and sat myself down. Picking up his hand again, I waited.

A few minutes and one monumental fight later, a pair of bleary brown eyes opened and fixed onto mine. It took him a moment to register what he was seeing, and my heart lifted when his lips curled up into half a smile. I couldn't stop the tears welling up when he croaked: "Sara?"

"Hey, Flyboy. How are you doing?" I grinned.

"M'okay." He assured me. "Just took a slide from my bike."

"So they tell. You've been lucky, Jack. *Again*."

He grinned tiredly. "Yeah, Lucky Jack. That's me."

His eyes slid shut again and I was just thinking he'd drifted off, when he mumbled from somewhere far off.

"Charlie helped me out. He wouldn't let me rest. He kept me going."

"Daniel told me." I answered, squeezing his hand gently.

There was silence. Then just as I thought again that he'd drifted off, he turned his head and fixed those drug glazed, doe eyes on me.

"He really has gone, hasn't he? It wasn't some God awful dream, Charlie's gone?"

The pain in those eyes was more than I could bear and I could feel his hand trembling in mine.

"Yes Jack, he's gone." I choked, not caring about the tears that came and I didn't care that he'd see them.

There was another long silence, as the drugs began to get hold of Jack once more. I could see him fighting them, not wanting to give into them yet. He had more to say. Then, in rush of emotion so unlike the Jack O'Neill I knew, he said it.

"Oh God, Sara. I let him down. I let him down so badly. I should have seen something like that could happen. When he was born I promised him I would take care of him, I wouldn't let anything hurt him and in the end it was *me*! *I* was the one who hurt him. I let that happen. I should have been there for him, why didn't I keep that promise? Daniel was right, I *was* a lousy dad. I didn't deserve to have Charlie in my life." He paused for only a second, long enough to take a breath, then he raged on. "I didn't deserve to have you in my life. I wanted so much to be there for you Sara, you have to believe that. I wanted to help you through it, to help *us* through it, but I couldn't even do that right. Kowalski died because I didn't take care of my team. Frank died trying to save *me*. Dammit, why does everything I touch turn to crap?"

His breathing was laboured now, exhausted by the outburst.

Noticing the bleeps from the monitors around Jack were getting faster, I tried to calm him. Talking quietly to him, I pleaded with him to take it easy. I promised we'd talk properly when he was a bit stronger.

As I was struggling to get him to relax, Dr Fraiser came rushing in. She quickly looked Jack over and satisfied herself that the problem was emotionally based.

"Colonel, I need you to calm down. Allowing yourself to get this upset is not doing you or your injuries any good." She was saying. "Take it easy, Sir. That's better, just relax." Talking quietly, the doctor told Jack he needed to rest and that she was going to give him something to help him do just that. Jack being Jack, he protested, albeit weakly. Ignoring his pleas, she injected something in his IV line.

Almost immediately, his eyes fluttered and closed. Watching him for a few more seconds, the doctor then seemed satisfied. She turned to me and gave me a sympathetic smile.

"Charlie?" she asked.

Furiously blinking back the tears and looking to the floor, I could only nod my verification. I felt her arms go around me and I completely broke down.

Once I'd gathered myself together, the doctor insisted that I leave Jack to sleep and join her in the hospital canteen for a coffee and something to eat. I didn't really want to leave Jack but let me tell you, that lady is one determined character.

So, a short while later I found myself in a quiet corner, sipping coffee strong enough to take the enamel off my teeth. I don't normally open up to strangers. I suppose Jack and I are quite alike in that respect. Maybe it was because this stranger was a doctor, or that she knows Jack very well. Or maybe it was because I just needed to talk to someone there and then, I don' t know.

"It's the fever and drugs that's confusing him." She reverberated, kindly. "Once they are reduced, Jack's going to remember about Charlie. It's not like amnesia, where he has been robbed of his memories. They're there, it's just they're being clouded by .."

"The fever and drugs." I finished the sentence for her. She wasn't to know what Jack had just said, that he already knew about Charlie and I just let her go on thinking that.

She nodded and smiled. We sat in silence for a while, just enjoying the coffee.

Dr Fraiser was as tired as I was, she must have been up all night. I know Daniel was hovering around till almost midnight and a very pretty blonde came in to see how Jack was doing. She introduced herself as Major Samantha Carter, Jacks second in command. It was nice to know Jack has friends as well as colleagues. I got the distinct feeling that he was going to find a friendly face, no matter which way he turned.

I hadn't realised my mind had wandered till Dr Fraiser spoke.

"I don't pretend to know anything about Charlie, or what it was like for you both to lose him, but you do know Jack loves you, don't you?"

I was taken aback by her statement at first, but as her words sank in, I smiled.

"Yes, I know. I don't think we ever stopped loving each other, but after Charlie died Jack didn't know what to do, so he switched off. We just grew further and further apart until it was too late."

She smiled sympathetically. "You know, it's never too late to change direction."

"Oh I think it's too late for us.' Jack and Sara O'Neill, invincible duo' died with Charlie." I admitted sadly. "But it doesn't mean we have to stop caring. I'll always care about what happens to Jack and if I can, if he wants it, I'll be there for him."

We carried on talking for quite sometime. She was clever, that Dr Fraiser, managing to get me to open up without being intrusive. She'd make one hell of a counsellor.

Eventually, she told me she had to leave. Her daughter would be wondering where she'd gotten to and how Jack was. It made me think of dad, so I called him in case he'd been ringing and thought I'd been kidnapped. Give the guy his due, he didn't throw a fit when I told him where I was. He was mad at Jack for a long time but like me, underneath it all, he still cares about what happens to this particular Colonel.

#####

It was mid afternoon before Jack surfaced again. With tired, but clearer eyes, he studied me in silence for a while.

"You don't have to be here, Sara. They shouldn't have bothered you." He said quietly.

Taking the cloth and wiping the thin sheen of sweat on his brow, I smiled.

"It isn't any bother, Flyboy and I'm sure if it was the other way round, you 'd be sat here too."

"You wouldn't be stupid enough to aim a Harley off a mountain." He laughed quietly.

"I wouldn't be stupid enough to take a Harley up a mountain in the first place." I countered.

He laughed again, although I noticed the sadness in it.

"I meant what I said." He told me.

"About what?"

"About wanting to be there for you, to help you when Charlie...." His words trailed away. "I'm sorry I was a lousy husband as well as a father."

"Jack O'Neill!! Will you just stop? Please. You were *never* a lousy dad or husband." Tears of sadness, frustration and anger sprang up into my eyes. "Yeah, sure. I was hurt when you refused to let me in after Charlie died, but it's all water under the bridge now. It's *gone* Jack. Please. Just let it go."

He held out his hand and when I took it, he used every ounce of strength he had, to pull me into an awkward embrace. I somehow managed to sit myself down on the bed, I arranged my arms around him and held on.

God, it had been such a long time, I hadn't realised till then how much I missed him. Missed his touch, his warmth, his smell.

We sat there for a long time, saying nothing at all. Just satisfied with the contact. Sometime later, I noticed his breathing change and he relaxed against me completely, as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Silently I thanked Daniel. Not for his outburst. That was still stupid and I still wanted to slug him, but for thinking I could help. I don't think he'll ever know just how much this has helped both Jack *and* me.

We will probably never find 'Jack and Sara O'Neill, invincible duo' again, but I think we just found 'Jack and Sara, really good friends'.

That's better than any ancient artefact Daniel would *ever* find.