Title: Mine Is The Guilt

Author: Magicsunbeam

Email: magicsunbeam@ntlworld.com

Category: Angst

Rating: G

Season: 2

Spoilers: Minute, nearly invisible one for Need.

Summary: Missing scene from Message In A Bottle. You didn't think Janet would just let Jack go home, did you?

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent.

Author's notes: For Annie.......cos she drops hints bigger than Alaska. <g> Thanx Sandra G for the beta. Dang girl, you're quick. :)

Mine Is The Guilt

by Magicsunbeam

The sound of heels on bare metal ricocheted off the walls, as Janet Fraiser raced down the stairs leading to the gate room. As she got to the door, she almost ran into the object of her concerns.

A very weary looking Jack O'Neill was making his way, somewhat unsteadily out of the room. Janet noted with very little surprise, that he was surrounded by the rest of his team. Daniel held onto the Colonel's elbow, whilst Sam's hand rested lightly on his back. Teal'c was leading the way, although he was keeping a discrete eye on his friend, in readiness of any assistance he might need.

As the party passed her, Janet attempted to stop Jack.

"Colonel, how do you feel?" She asked.

"Don't make me stop, Doc," Jack mumbled, his face a study in concentration, as he placed one foot carefully after the other. "If I stop now, I'm going to fall flat on my face and if it's okay with you, I'd rather not be a source of entertainment for the jarheads."

Oh boy. An O'Neill who admits to not feeling so good, is a sick O'Neill indeed. Janet looked to Sam, and the Major answered her unspoken question with a small smile. The whole of SG1 were going to make a slow, steady walk down to the infirmary.

Falling in behind the team, Janet looked up to the control room to see General Hammond watching the proceedings. As he saw the CMO look his way, he shot her a meaningful look. Janet immediately recognised the look as an order to take good care of Jack. She nodded her understanding, and silently followed the team out of the room.

#####

For almost an hour, Jack O'Neill had been lying on a bed in the infirmary, having changed into some scrubs provided for him. He had played the patient patient, whilst Janet had run enough tests to keep her happy for a month.

His day had been a long, traumatic one. The kind he never wanted to repeat again. Now he was tired. Past tired in fact. He was bone weary and wanted nothing more than to take a long hot shower and drop into bed. <His> bed. Although, God only knew when that would be.

Staring at the inside of his eyelids, he let out a heavy sigh.

"How are you feeling, Colonel?" Janet's voice startled him.

Jack cracked open an eye. He observed the good doctor for a moment, trying to figure out whether it would be to his advantage to lie. In the end, he decided against it.

"I'm okay, Doc. Just a little tired," he mumbled, before closing the eye again.

"That's hardly surprising, given the experience you've had." Janet replied. "The good news is there appears to be no trace of the organism. Also, your shoulder shows no signs of any trauma made from the orb's spike, but I'd like to keep an eye on you for a while just in case. For now, I think a good night's sleep is in order, Colonel."

"That's good news, Doc." Jack said, opening his eyes and slowly sitting up. He carefully swung his legs off the bed. "I'll be out of your hair in five."

Janet shook her head. "Oh no you don't. No way. Not a chance. In fact, I would go as far as to say: absolutely not, Colonel."

Jack blinked in surprise.

"I'm sorry, Doc. I didn't quite catch that," he said finally. "You think you could be a little more clear?"

Janet smiled in amusement.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, but after today's events I'd be happier to have you stick around for a little while longer."

"Why, Doc. I didn't know you felt that way." Jack attempted to bluff his way out with wit. Seeing it didn't work, he went for the full pitch. "Dooooc, I feel great. Okay, maybe not <great>, but you said yourself there are no signs of after effects and all I need is some shut-eye. I can do that at home."

"Forget it, Colonel. This time, you are not getting your way. You are staying here over night. Now you can protest all you like, but you are staying put."

"Aww, Doc. You know I hate staying here, and nobody ever sleeps around anyway."

"Judging by the way you're struggling to keep your eyes focused, I'd say you won't have any trouble," Janet grinned. She then turned serious. "Look, Colonel. I know you hate it here. You let me know it every single time, but I'd be much happier keeping you under observation for tonight. If everything is okay, I'll let you out of here in the morning. Okay?"

Jack muttered under his breath. He knew by the look on Janet's face, that she was genuinely concerned and he wasn't going to get anywhere this time.

"Colonel?"

"Oh for crying out loud! Okay, okay. I'll stay tonight, but I'm out of here first thing."

"Deal," Janet nodded happily. "Now, you must be starving. Would you like something to eat?"

Jack pulled a face and thought about refusing, but he <was> hungry. It would be childish to deny it.

"Yeah, I guess so," he stubbornly admitted.

"I'll get Daniel to bring you something from the cafeteria," she said and walked away grinning, leaving him to sulk in peace.

#####

"Ready to eat?"

The voice cut through the fog that surrounded his brain. Jack was surprised at being woken. He hadn't even felt himself drift off. Sleepily, he rolled his head toward the voice and opened his eyes to find Daniel standing in front of him, a tray in his hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," Daniel apologised.

"S'ok, Daniel," Jack answered with a barely concealed yawn. He looked past the archaeologist, to the door. "No Carter and Teal'c?"

"Uh, no," Daniel said, handing the tray over. "Teal'c is helping Sgt Siler with something, and Sam has, uh, crashed."

Jack looked at Daniel critically. "Looks like you are ready to crash too. When did you last sleep, Daniel?"

"Um. About the same time as you."

"Daaaniel. Go get some sleep." Jack ordered.

"I will. In a while. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. Doc just wanted to keep me here for a while. You know how she misses me."

Daniel snorted.

"Yeah. I know."

Jack glared at him, but decided he was too tired to play the game. Instead he picked up a sandwich and eyed it.

"Tuna?"

"Yeah, I know," Daniel apologised. "It's late. They don't have a lot to choose from this time of day."

Jack grunted and took a bite.

Daniel pulled up a chair and dropped bonelessly into it.

"So. Jack. How did it feel?" He asked.

"How did it <feel>?" Jack was amazed. "Daniel, the damn thing had me pinned to the wall like a damn butterfly. How do you <think> it felt?"

"No, no. Not that, Jack. I don't have to ask you, to know how that felt. I can guess that alright," Daniel shuddered at the memory. "I meant having your body, your actions, taken away from you like that. Were you aware of what was happening?"

Jack dropped what was left of his sandwich onto the plate, his appetite gone.

"Yeah, I was aware," he said quietly, as he allowed his eyes to slip shut. "Although it was like watching through a veil. Kind of fuzzy. I could hear this voice, recognised it as my own, but ~ not. It was a strange feeling."

"That's what <it> said," Daniel told him.

#####

Jack was floating.

At least that's what it felt like. He knew there was nothing but air beneath his feet, so what other explanation could there be?

"So, Jack. How does it feel?"

He hadn't realised until then that his eyes were closed. He opened them to find himself in the gate room. High up in the gate room. Below him stood Hammond, Carter, Daniel and the Doc.

"Yes, tell us, Colonel. How does it feel?" Hammond asked.

"Kind of cool actually, sir," he replied, with a grin. "I recommend having a word with the cleaners though, I can see dust on top of the gate."

"Doesn't that hurt, sir?" Carter asked, pointing.

Jack followed her gaze and found a rod, two inches thick, running through his left shoulder.

"Oh," Jack said, stunned.

He felt a strange, tingly coursing up from his feet toward his shoulder, and suddenly he was hot. Too hot. Jack looked at the people below him, and found they were all smiling. As the tingly sensation reached his shoulder, Jack was overcome with an agony so severe, it stole his breath.

Struggling with growing panic, Jack looked to Janet.

"Doc?"

Before she could say anything, the gate room doors opened, and Teal'c walked in brandishing a staff weapon.

"Oh, good. You're just in time Teal'c," Hammond grinned. "Now son, I don't want any mess. Is that clear?"

Teal'c nodded silently, and lifted the staff weapon to his shoulder.

Jack heard the words, but couldn't believe them.

"General?"

"It's alright, Colonel. It'll all be over soon, " Hammond said, before turning to the Jaffa. "Teal'c, you may fire when ready."

Jack watched in shock, as Teal'c primed the staff weapon, its end snapping open with an angry hiss, and aimed at his head. Holy shit, thought Jack. He's going to do it. From somewhere far away, he heard himself scream:

"TEEEAAL'C!"

#####

Janet heard the roar from inside her office, and knew immediately where it had come from. Dropping the notes she was looking at, she made a run for the ward.

She found Jack already on his feet. Using the walls as a leaning post, he was making a slow and very unsteady break for the door. Janet rushed to his side and laid a hand on his arm in an attempt to stop his movement. Searching his face, she realised he was barely awake. He was sweating profusely. His breathing was laboured and he was shaking so hard, Janet was amazed he was able to stay upright.

"Colonel? Sir, do you want to tell me where you're going?" She asked, blocking his path at the same time.

Jack didn't answer, nor did he look at her. He did however stop in his tracks and stood as if awaiting instruction. Janet took the advantage and taking his arm, steered her charge back to the bed.

"You need to rest some more, sir. Okay?" She spoke softly, as she gently pushed Jack back onto the bed.

To her relief, the colonel complied and still having not uttered a sound, got back between the sheets. Within seconds his eyes slipped shut, his face relaxed and he dropped back into sleep.

Once he was settled, Janet set about checking Jack's vitals. She found his temperature to be up by a couple of degrees, he was showing signs of dehydration, and reflexes a little dull.

Nothing major, Janet thought to herself, as she quickly inserted an IV and attached a bag of fluids. Just not quite normal. She lifted Jack's wrist checked his pulse and realised he was still shaking. Unfortunately, the nightmare he had obviously suffered <was> normal.

Walking over to the basin, she soaked a cloth with warm water. Returning to Jack's side, she began to wipe sweat from his face. She looked up at the clock on the wall and sighed. 02.55. Another three hours till the rest of the base woke up.

#####

Jack and Teal'c ran through the corridor to the gate room. Although the weight of the orb they carried between them, meant they staggered more than they ran. Jack could hear Sgt Davis' voice counting down over the speakers.

"Chevron 5, locked. Chevron 6, locked."

As they got to the gate room, the 7th chevron was being locked into place. Hammond, Carter, and Daniel all moved back to allow the two men to approach the ramp. As they did so, the orb suddenly sprang into life.

Jack jumped back as a steel rod shot out of the orb and rammed itself at high speed, into the concrete floor where he had been stood.

Without warning, a further five rods spat out of the ball. To Jack's horror, each rod ran into the four remaining people, lancing them, dragging them up and pinning them to the walls. Shocked at the sight of his team and CO dangling from the rods, Jack screamed for help.

"DOOOC!"

#####

"I thought you said the tests you did came back clear, Doctor?" Hammond asked.

"When I spoke to you last night, they <were> clear, sir," Janet replied. "When Colonel O'Neill went to sleep, he was fine. Exhausted, yes, but there were no signs of anything else being wrong."

"When did all of this start?"

"The colonel woke up ~ or should I say <half> woke ~ from a bad dream around 02.40. At first I put the sweats and shaking down to the nightmare, but as the night went on he began to get worse. I ran the first set of tests around 04.00. By the time I did the next one, I knew the problem was stemming from my administering too many drugs while that damn orb had him. The problem has nothing to do with the organisms, sir. The problem <is>, Colonel O'Neill had too many drugs running through his system, and to suddenly withdraw them has had a similar effect as it would for an addict going cold turkey. I should have known he wasn't going to get off scott free."

Hammond studied Janet for a moment before locking eyes with her.

"You did what you had to do, Doctor," he said softly. "Had you not given him the drugs then, Jack would most likely have died up there. You had no choice."

"Yes, sir. I know, but maybe if I'd taken time to think about, I could have come up with an alternative."

"That's the point, Doctor," Hammond smiled sympathetically. "We didn't <have> the time. You had to deal with the problem there and then. I will not have you blaming yourself for something you had no control over, Doctor. I know Colonel O'Neill would agree."

Their conversation was abruptly ended, as Jack suddenly shot up in his bed.

"DOOOC!"

Rushing to the Colonel's side, Janet caught him by the shoulders and tried to ease him back down.

"It's okay, Colonel. It's just a dream," she told him, as he struggled against her.

"Get them down!" Jack cried, oblivious of Janet's presence. "We have to get them down! Doc!!"

Hammond appeared at the doctor's side and helped wrestle his disturbed 2IC back onto the bed. As he pinned Jack down, he watched Janet inject something into his IV line. With in a few seconds Hammond felt Jack relax under his grip.

He looked down to find Jack watching him with haunted eyes.

"Take it easy, Jack," he smiled assuredly. "Everything will be okay, you'll see. You just try and rest some more."

Jack frowned in confusion. He had just seen Hammond hanging from a rod. How the hell? Doc. It had to be Doc, he thought. She must have managed to get them down. As the sedative finally dragged him down, a crooked smile appeared on Jack's face.

"Way to go, Doc," he slurred, as he drifted off once more.

#####

The voices were confusing and distant at first, but as he became more aware, Jack recognised them as belonging to his team. Too tired to acknowledge his own presence, Jack lay and listened.

"Janet says he's doing much better."

Daniel.

"His appearance has indeed improved."

Teal'c.

"You know Janet is blaming herself for this?"

Carter.

"What? That's ludicrous," Daniel spluttered.

"I know, Daniel, but try telling her that. She says she shouldn't have been so quick with the painkillers and antibiotics. Says she should have thought of something else."

"If DoctorFraiser had not administered the drugs when she did, O'Neill would surely have died." Teal'c intoned.

"I know that too, Teal'c," Sam agreed. "But she's not listening. I really think this shook her up."

What crap is this? Jack wondered. He didn't remember a lot of what had gone on recently, but he remembered Doc being there. Comforting. Reassuring. Helping to keep the pain at bay. How could she think she was to blame for anything?

Just then, Jack's body gave an involuntary shudder. He felt a hand placed gently on his forehead.

"Colonel?" Carter was somewhere close by. "Can you hear me, sir?"

Jack didn't have the strength to respond.

"Daniel, would you pass me another blanket up? He's cold again."

Jack felt an extra pressure push down on him, as the blanket was added. For a second, he felt gentle fingers being brushed through his hair. As sleep clawed at him again, he made himself a mental note to speak to Doc as soon as he woke up again.

#####

Jack woke to the sound of silence. Or very nearly.

Somewhere above him, he heard a click and immediately recognised it as the sound of an IV timer. As he lay there, he wondered idly what was being fed into his bloodstream <this> time.

After a minute or so, he opened his eyes and was surprised to find Janet sat in the chair next to his bed. She was reading some notes or other, and didn't notice Jack watching her.

"Hey, Doc," he croaked. "Told you nobody sleeps around here."

Janet looked up and grinned.

"Hey yourself, Colonel. How are you doing?"

Despite the big smile she gave him, Jack didn't miss the weariness in her voice, or the dark circles under her eyes.

"Looks to me like I should be asking you that question," he stated.

Janet quickly stood up and fumbled with the IV bag beside the bed.

"I'm fine, Colonel. You've been keeping us on our toes the last couple of days, that's all," she said, avoiding his gaze.

As she took his wrist to take his pulse, Jack took her hand and held on.

"What's up, Doc?" he asked with a small grin.

Janet tried to pull away, but realised he wasn't about to let go.

"Doc?" he prompted.

Janet felt her face flush, as tears filled her eyes. Oh God, she could not, <would> not cry in front of Jack O'Neill.

"I thought I heard something. It may have been a dream, but I don't think so," Jack told her, slowly releasing his grip, but still holding on. "I heard someone say that you were blaming yourself for something that couldn't be helped."

Oh way to go, Fraiser, Janet inwardly kicked herself. That ought to teach you to talk around seemingly unconscious patients.

Giving in to weariness, Janet dropped back into the chair. "I should have thought of something else," she said quietly, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I was well aware of the amount of drugs I was giving you, I should have tried to come up with an alternative."

"Like what?" Jack asked.

"I don't know. Something. <Anything>." The last word came out as a sob. A tear squeezed its way past the barrier, and spilled down her cheek. "Colonel, you saw what withdrawal was like for Daniel. You know the pain he went through. At least he didn't know what he was doing. I did. What you just went through, all the pain. My feeding you those drugs, no matter how much you needed them, means that I was responsible for that pain."

"Okay, Doc. I can see where you're coming from with this but, from what I can work out, if you had held out on those drugs, I'd only have died sitting on top of some step ladders! Believe me, that is <not> a way I would have chosen to go. Think of the fun the jarheads would have had with that." Jack grinned and gently squeezed Janet's hand. "The call you made was the right one at that time, Doc. You have to know that?"

When Janet didn't reply, he repeated: "You <have> to know that, right?"

"I know," she agreed, blinking angrily at another tear that dared to fall. "But it doesn't make in any better."

"I know that too," Jack said. He reached up to brush away the errand tear. "Doc, you are one of the strongest people I have every met, and I know I can trust you to make the right decision. Just like you did this time. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You did what you had to do. Okay?"

Janet hesitated for a second, then leaned over and placed a single, gentle kiss on Jack's cheek.

"You're a good man, Jack O'Neill," she said, giving him a watery smile. She then took and deep breath, gathered herself together and got to her feet. "Now. Do you know what time it is? Get some rest, before a I set Kelly on you with one of her needles."

Jack gave her look of mock horror, and then smothered a yawn.

"You get some rest too, Doc," he smiled wearily. "Or in the morning, I'm <so> going to make you sorry."

"Promises, promises, Colonel." Janet laughed lightly, as she turned and walked out of the ward, leaving. Jack with a sleepy grin on his face.