Title: The Sugar Plum Files Author: Magicsunbeam Email: magicsunbeam@ntlworld.com Category: Humour Pairing: Rating: G Season/sequel: 2 Spoliers: The Fifth Race Summary: Jacks puts his findings in a report, after he returns from the Asgard. Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent. Author's Notes: This madness comes from an idea from Sandra W's brain..I had a `hoot` doing it Major, thanx.
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"Come." General George Hammond called in answer to the solid knock at his office door. Janet Fraiser stormed into the room, coat tails flying behind her like a flag, face set like stone. Hammond regarded her, before putting own his pen and giving her his full attention. "Doctor. Is there something I can do for you?" "Yes Sir, there is. I need to know why, when I gave Colonel O'Neill *specific* orders to go home and rest, he is still here." Hammond regarded the fiery doctor with curiosity, as she steamed on. "General, Colonel O'Neill has been through a very big ordeal. He has had a *major* trauma to his brain, as yet I have no idea if there will be any consequences to what happened to him. When he got back from, from *where ever* he had been, he was disorientated and just about on his knees. He is exhausted General - which was why I told him to rest, not go write his report out." Finally, Hammond threw up his hands. "Whoa, Doctor. Now hold it right there. What *are* you talking about?" Face flushed with undisguised anger, Janet waved a file at him for a moment before dropping it onto the desk before him. "That is Colonel O'Neill's report of what has happened over the last couple of days." She said, all but spitting the words out. "I believe it couldn't wait." Janet watched him, barely able to keep her foot from tapping impatiently, as Hammond opened the file and began to read. After reading the first page, General Hammond looked up at Janet. "Would you mind humouring me Doctor, and start from the beginning?" Janet took a deep breath, valiantly trying to keep her temper in check. "I got a call from Dr Jackson a while ago, telling me Colonel O'Neill had not left the mountain and that he was in his office. When I went down there to make sure he followed orders and went home, I found him asleep at his desk, having written that report." Janet finished calmly. "General the man is completely exhausted and *needs* to rest." Hammond folded his hands in front of him. "Well Doctor. Firstly let me tell you, I didn't order Colonel O'Neill to complete a report. Secondly and quite frankly, I'm amazed he would volunteer to do so. From what I have just read, I totally agree with you, the man *is* exhausted and *does* need to rest. Where is he now?" Caught off guard by the Generals statement, Janet floundered before answering. "In his quarters, Sir. Both Dr. Jackson and Major Carter are too busy to drive him home and I didn't dare risk letting him drive himself. He'd have wrapped his jeep around a tree before he got half way down the mountain. He was asleep when I left him." "Good." Hammond nodded. "Now Doctor, have a seat. I'd like to show you what Jack wrote in his report." Janet blinked in surprise. "General, Sir isn't that for your eyes?" She asked, astounded. "Doctor believe me, when you've seen what is in this report, you're going to know it's not worth the paper it's written on." Janet gaped. "Sir?" Hammond nodded at the pre offered chair. "Take a seat. Trust me, all will become crystal clear." Z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z Jack's return to consciousness was a slow, languid affair. Feeling warm, relaxed and comfortable, he made no attempt to open his eyes. Instead, he chose to lie half way between waking and sleeping, taking in the sounds around him. He knew he was on the base and that he was in his own quarters. He remembered that much but, had no concept of time. He could hear the muffled sound of boots every time someone passed his door, which was often, so he figured it must be morning. He could hear the soft clicking of a keypad, so he knew Carter was there somewhere and the occasional turning of a page meant Daniel wasn't far away either. The idea of opening his eyes to see if Teal'c was also present was too much of effort. So instead, he sighed softly and allowed himself to sink back into an easy sleep. When he next awoke, it was to the sound of silence - nearly. The only noise he could pick out was a soft snoring. Curiosity made him open his eyes and he found Daniel curled up in a ball on a chair across the room. `Oy oy oy, is *he* going to have a trick back in the morning`. Jack thought, as he slipped once more into the darkness. Z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z "Janet? I think he's waking up this time." "Colonel? Sir?" Jack vaguely remembered the voices, but couldn't quite get the faces. He felt his hand being picked up and squeezed gently, as one of the voices asked: "Colonel, are you with us?" It took some effort, but Jack managed to open a pair of bleary eyes on the world, and was rewarded with a big smile from Janet. "Hey." She grinned. "How do you feel, Sir?" "Peachy." Jack managed to rasp. Janet laughed. "Glad to hear it, Sugarplum. You've slept for almost three days." Jack took a second to process what Janet had said, then visibly twitched. "What did you say?" He asked, stunned. Barely able to stop himself from laughing, Daniel shook his head. "You've been asleep a while, Jack." Jack studied his friend suspiciously, hardly able to believe he had heard correctly. He then looked to Janet, who was trying to hide her smirk - unsuccessfully - behind a clipboard. "Okay - what just happened? What are you guys hiding?" Timed to perfection, General Hammond walked into Jack's room.. "Well now. Colonel O'Neill." Hammond grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Welcome back to the land of the living. How are you feeling?" "Fine." Jack replied, cautiously. "I'm glad to hear it," Hammond smirked and added, almost inaudibly. "Snookum." Daniel exploded. Spluttering, coughing and trying not to giggle, he rushed out of the room. Jack's jaw dropped, as he looked from Hammond to Janet and back again. Finally, he narrowed his eyes in annoyance and aimed them straight at Hammond. "Okay General, what the heck is going on round here? Has there been a foothold situation while I was gone?" "I could ask the same of you, Colonel." Hammond laughed aloud, before handing Jack a report folder. Jack studied it for a moment, before looking questioningly at the General. "It's your report, Colonel." Hammond informed him. "It is? A report of what, Sir?" "A report of what has happened over the last week, about you meeting our galactic neighbours - and other things." A noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle, floated out from behind Janet's clipboard. Jack shot a look her way and answered, "I don't remember writing a report, Sir." General Hammond beamed. "Well Son, that doesn't surprise me in the least. Maybe when you read it, it'll come back to you. Oh and I'm sorry, but when you're ready, I'm going have to ask you to write it again." Desperately trying to keep her composure, Janet said, "We'll leave you to it, Colonel." As both she and the General headed out of the door. Left alone with the file, Jack was both nervous and curious about what he was going to find. He stared at it for a long hard moment then opened it and began to skim across the contents. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Date: 4/23/00. Oh oh. I missed Carter's birthday. I wonder if the flower kiosk in town is still open. Field Report for planet P3R272: Why do they call these things `field reports ` anyway? Most of the time there isn't a field around for miles. It's all trees, trees and more damn trees, or the odd honkin desert thrown in for balance. P3R wotsit is home of funny little grey men, with a vicious taste in headgear. Damn thing nearly took my ears off; they're still burning now. Actually the little grey Right Guard people haven't lived there in a while. They live somewhere else now, the name escapes me for the moment. Sorry. They're a little funny to look at but hey, they're aliens. They're meant to look like, that I know, I've seen The X-Files. They're a smart bunch of folks, they proved that with all their fancy schmancy techno-babble. Techno-babble they gave *me*. What puzzles me is why give it to me? An ordinary Joe, with no degrees or titles. They should have made sure Carter or Daniel got the Knowledge. I sounded like a London Cab driver just then. "No Guv'ner, it ain't me. It's Daniel who's got the Knowledge." Haaa. Okay. So I got the information instead. A strange experience that it was, too. It was like a trillion, bazillion voices all trying to tell me Jeez. There was me, for the only time this side of forever, being way smarter than Carter and I couldn't tell her what I knew. Ain't life a bitch? Ooh, shouldn't say that. I used to get into soooo much trouble for that when I was a kid. I got more right hooks around my ear from Nan, than I'd care to admit. I can still hear that thick Irish accent. "Jonathan O'Neill, life is precious." She'd say. "If I hear you calling it in that shameful way again, you are sooo going to get it." A week or so would pass and I'd forget myself again and WHAM! She had these God-awful pet names she used to call me. Let's think here. Honeybunch, Sweetie-Pie, Cuppy-cake, Sugarplum. They came from a song she used to sing me when I was really small. It was one of those songs that, once said, sticks in your head and won't be moved. You're my honeybunch, sugarplum, Pumypyumpyumpkin. That was it. Jeez that used to grate on me, I can almost feel the guys that used to beat me up because of that song. Just makes me laugh now. She was a great lady, my Nan. I miss her. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Jack had read enough. Putting the report down on the bed, he buried his head in his hands and mumbled: "Aww crap." "If it's any consolation, my mom used to embarrass me in front of my friends with that song too." Jack looked up to find Janet stood in the doorway. "Aww Jeez, Doc. Tell me this is a set up. Please tell me someone is playing a joke here." Janet couldn't stop the grin that came to her face. "I wish I could Colonel, but who else would know about your Nan? Seems to me, it's something you wouldn't want to share - not even with Daniel." "Well that's it. My career is over." Jack stated solemnly. Janet laughed. "Don't you think that's being a little melodramatic?" "Doctor, my CO called me Snookums. What does that say to you?" Janet tried to control herself when she saw Jack was deadly serious. She sighed. "Colonel, it says to me General Hammond is having a little joke at your expense. I was too. I'm sorry. Under the circumstances, you being exhausted and a little - disorientated, we should have been more thoughtful. I promise, other than General Hammond, myself and Daniel knowing about the report, no one else has a clue about Snookums, Sugarplum, Sweetie-Pie or anything else." "You're sure?" "Absolutely positive." "Now, how about you take a shower and go join the rest of your team for some breakfast?" *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Feeling much better and back on track with his life, Jack grabbed some clothes and headed off to the showers with a spring in his step. As he approached the locker room he heard water running, someone was already showering. Looking at the uniform and name badge that hung by an open locker, Jack reasoned the guy in the shower was a Marine, Lt. Henry Greenwall. `Butch` to his friends. Jack headed for his locker to get shampoo and soap, when he heard it. A deep, melodic voice, rising above the noise of the water jet. "You're my honeybunch, sugarplum, pumpyumpyumpkin, Jack closed his eyes, and leaning back against the locker he prayed: "Oh God, please - just take me now!"
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