Title: Love and Loss

Author: OsarisAnhur

Email: osarisanhur@tiscali.co.uk

Status: Complete

Category: Angst/Hurt

Pairing: Jack/Janet

Spoilers: None

Season:                                 

Sequel/Series Info:

Rating: R

Content Warnings: GRAPHIC DEATH SCENE OF A CHILD. If this will offend you PLEASE don’t read on.  Some swearing.

Summary:  Charlie’s Death.

Disclaimer:  Stargate SG1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. No infringements of copyrights or trademarks were intended. This fan fiction was written for the sole purpose of entertainment and no money was made from it. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author.

File Size: 59kb

Archive: Incoming Wormhole, Jackfic

Feedback: Yes please.

Author’s Notes: All mistakes are my own. Tissues may needed. 

Love and Loss

by Osarisanhur

Part 1

Jack turned the wheel guiding the jeep into the drive; smiling as he caught sight of Sara sitting on the low flowerbed wall, arms resting on her knees and gardening gloves hanging loosely in her hands. Slipping out of the jeep, swinging the door closed behind him he trotted over to his wife. Sara looked up smiling as he dropped onto the wall beside her. Wrapping his arms around her, his lips seeking out hers, licking slowly along the bottom one and gaining entry as they parted his tongue plunged deep to dual with hers. Sara moaned into his mouth as he pulled her closer deepening the kiss, tasting her, the overwhelming need for oxygen finally driving them apart. Smiling at her Jack asked.

“How was you’re your day baby?”

“Good. Hey look what came home from school today.”

Jack looked at the school photo that she held up for him to see. Charlie smiling back at him from the picture, his mop of blonde-brown hair neatly brushed, a look on his face that said butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth but the glint in his dark soulful eyes and his cheeky grin both saying if you believe that you’ll believe any thing.

Christ look at him. Any second now he’s gonna start chuckling and yell ‘SUCKER.’ That’s my boy. God I love this kid so much. I just wanna hug the shit out of him all the time. But I’m not allowed not anymore. He’s too old for that stuff now so he tells me. So now I have to sneak one whenever he’s not expecting it. Hey a father’s got to get his hugs where he can. He knows I love him so I guess that makes the not hugging thing okay. Better get this show on the road or we’re gonna miss the game.

“Is Charlie ready?”

“Yeah. He was here just now.”

The afternoon peace was suddenly shattered by an ear-splitting crack then all was quiet again. Horror spread across Jack’s face as he turned his head in the direction the noise had come from, his mind immediately identifying the sound.

Gunshot. OH MY GOD. Charlie’s room. It came from Charlie’s room.

Jack’s arms fell away from Sara as he got to his feet running flat out for the house, his mind racing, fear tearing through him at the thought of what he was going to find. He slammed through the door, racing down the hallway reaching and taking the stairs two at a time.

“CHARLIE”

He crossed the landing in two large strides and entered his son’s room through the open doorway. The horrifying sight before him stops him dead.

OH GOD NO. CHARLIE. No this can’t be happening. Don’t be dead Charlie; please don’t be dead.

Jack rushed over and knelt beside his son. Sliding a hand beneath his shoulders, relief rushing through him as he realised that his boy was alive. Cradling Charlie to his chest, Jack looked into his dark wide eyes that were so full of pain and felt his heart break.

Sara came charging through the door, her hand flying up to cover her mouth, as she took in the scene before her.

“CALL 911, NOW! SARA GO.”

Sara backed out of the room, reluctant to leave but spurred into action by Jack’s yelling.

“I’m sorry dad.”

“It’s okay Charlie. S’not your fault.”

“UHH…it hurts dad…hurts so bad.”

“I know Charlie, I know. It’s okay mum’s gone for help. It won’t be long now.”

Jack gently brushed Charlie’s hair back from his face as he spoke.

“I don’t…Uhh…don’t wanna die dad.”

“You’re NOT gonna die Charlie. Ya hear me. It’s gonna be fine, helps coming son ya just gotta be brave a while longer. Okay.”

“I’m scared dad.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of Charlie. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Tears welled up in Jack’s eyes but he fought to keep them from falling.

Not gonna cry no way. Charlie’s scared enough without seeing me lose it, without seeing his father cry. Come on. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THOSE PARAMEDICS. Need help here.

“UHH…love you dad.”

“Oh god, I love you too Charlie, love you so much.”

Charlie’s eyes slowly fluttered and closed.

“Charlie?”

Nothing.

“CHARLIE”

Reaching for his son’s neck Jack felt for a pulse, relieved to find a very weak one.

OH GOD. Help me please. Help Charlie. Don’t let him die. Don’t take him from me. God I need him so much. WHERE THE FUCKING HELL ARE THEY. They should have been here by now. HELP ME. Need help here. Losing him. Losing my Boy.

“OH GOD.”

Jack pulled Charlie to his chest, kissing his cheek and brushing his hair from his face.

“Come on Charlie. Open your eyes son, please. You have to stay with me, please Charlie, PLEASE. OH GOD. CHARLIE.”

#####

CHRIST, this can’t be happening, please let it be a dream. It has to be a dream. OH GOD, let me wake up. Please let me wake up now. Oh Charlie, you can’t die. PLEASE CHARLIE. You have to fight this. You can do it. I know you can. You can’t die. I won’t let you. YA HEAR ME CHARLIE. Stay with us. GODDAMN IT CHARLIE. Fight, please.

The paramedics are here now; they’ve taken Charlie from me. I’m standing here watching as they work on my boy. Nothing I can do, so helpless. So GODDAMN useless. There’s blood everywhere. JESUS, so much blood. I can’t watch, don’t wanna watch but I can’t look away. Can’t tear my eyes away from Charlie’s inert body. I’m vaguely aware of Sara’s presence beside me. I can feel her pain; see the tears cascading down her cheeks and her hand that is clasped to her mouth to contain her sobs. OH GOD. What have I done?

#####

Sara’s standing here next to me, watching unable to help her boy. The pain I’ve caused so evident in her teary eyes. She’s still crying. OH GOD please let me wake up now. PLEASE.

Charlie’s lying on the hospital bed in front of us. He’s covered in blood, so much blood. All of it his. We stand there silently watching, forgotten about in the frenzy of activity taking place.  Doctors and nurses surround his bed, swarming around my boy, pulling and poking him. Sticking him with needles, filling his fragile body with tubes and wires attaching him to machines. Fighting for him, desperately trying to save him. He’s lying motionless, the constant beeping of the machines around his bed the only indication that he’s still with us. The doctor’s shouted orders adding to the commotion already present in this tiny trauma room. And all the time they’re working on him there’s hope.

Suddenly all hope is lost. The constant reassuring beeping has now become one long continuous tone. OH GOD. The doctor’s shouted instructions brings a flurry of activity from his team as he starts chest compressions.

 OH NO CHARLIE. Come back please. It’s not time for you to leave. PLEASE.

There’s a shouted ‘CLEAR’ and everyone steps back from the bed giving me a clear view of my son. My beautiful little boy. Charlie’s body arches off the bed as they shock him trying to get him back.  Trying to kick start his heart. Nothing. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion. There’s more activity around the bed then the doc is taking the paddles once again as the nurse turns up the machine. ‘CLEAR’, again I watch helpless as Charlie’s fragile body arches then falls still lifeless back to the bed. OH CHRIST, still nothing, not a thing. Do something, bring him back, PLEASE, don’t let him die. Again they turn up the machine and shock him. Still nothing. DAMN IT. Nothing but the continuous tone. The continuous tone that is drilling through my brain and hammering home the fact that I’m losing my son. My boy is dying right before my eyes and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do to stop it. OH CHARLIE. You have to fight Charlie, you can do it, I know you can. Please Charlie.

The doctor yells for the machine to be upped once again, desperate to save this child in his care. ‘CLEAR’ Charlie’s limp body thumps back down onto the bed. The doctor glances up at the monitor and shakes his head, before handing the paddles back to the nurse.

OH GOD NO. That’s it. It’s over. He’s dead.  Gone. Been taken from me forever.

OH GOD. NO NO NOOO. This can’t be happening it can’t be. I can’t lose Charlie, can’t lose my boy. THIS CAN’T BE REAL, but it is. It is. OH GOD HELP ME.

Sara’s sobbing openly beside me now, no longer able to contain her grief as the doctor comes towards us. To tell us how sorry he is and that they’d done everything that they could. 

 How can life go from being so perfect to such a FRIGGING NIGHTMARE in the space of a few hours?

I can feel myself shutting down, switching to autopilot, a numbness spreading through me. It’s like I’m watching this drama unfold from afar. I’m no longer here.

#####

Charlie’s been cleaned up now and is laid on the bed in this quiet room so we can say our goodbyes. HOW? How the hell do you do that? I wish someone would tell me because I DON’T have a clue. I don’t have a frigging clue how to say goodbye to Charlie. How the hell do I walk away from my son?

The nurse who brought us here has left us alone now.  Alone with our dead son. God he looks just like he’s sleeping. But I know he’s not.

Sara is leaning over him, kissing his cheeks and combing her fingers through his hair. She’s sobbing uncontrollably, her tears falling onto Charlie’s face and running down his cheeks, giving the impression that he’s crying. Something that he’ll never do again. Sweet Jesus, one of so many things he’ll never do again.

I wish I could comfort her, take her into my arms and make this all go away. But I can’t, this is MY fault. I did this. She must hate me. Hate me so much. But she can’t hate me any more than I hate myself.

I’m standing on the opposite side of the bed to Sara, just looking at my son, not able to touch him. It would be so easy to reach out my hand and take hold of his but I can’t that would shatter the illusion. He looks so relaxed. CHRIST. You can’t get anymore relaxed than DEAD can you. OH GOD, he looks so peaceful, just like he does when I check on him before turning in. Something else that will never happen again. Just sleeping. If it wasn’t for that large area of white dressing taped to his chest, I could actually believe that. But that padding is there to cover the huge gaping hole in his chest. The hole caused by a gun. MY GUN. He shot himself with my gun. FOR CHRIST FUCKING SAKE. He’s dead. Charlie’s dead. Never coming back. HOW THE HELL DO I GET PAST THAT? HOW DO I LIVE WITH IT? WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME THAT PLEASE? How do I live without my son?

I’m never again gonna see his sweet smile or see that glint in his eye, the one so full of fun. I’m never again gonna hear his dirty little laugh as he tries to get one over on me. GOD, he loved to laugh. He had such a wonderful sense of humour. JESUS CHRIST. I can’t believe he’s no longer here. Can’t believe this has happened. Can’t believe he’s gone, lost to me forever. OH CHARLIE.

#####

The sun is shining brightly, high in the sky; the day is hot and stuffy. But there’s a cold numbness seeping through me, taking an icy grip on my heart and squeezing slowly, as I stand staring at the small white wooden box with the shiny brass handles. And all I can think is that Charlie is in there, in that box. Cold. Never again to be warmed by the sun, never again able to run and play in its warm rays. Cold and alone. Gone. Dead because of me. I killed him as surely as if I’d held the gun at his head and pulled the trigger. My gun my responsibility.

The minister’s voice is droning on but I’m not hearing the words, not listening. Lost in thoughts of Charlie, as I’m standing here beside this hole in the ground, Sara at my side, tears sliding silently down her too pale cheeks and hand over her mouth.

God eight years old. Just eight. He had his whole life ahead of him. So many things he had to do, so many things he’ll never try now. There’ll be no first date, no learning to drive. There’ll be no watching him grow and no seeing the man he’d become. I’ll never get to see him married or have kids. It’s all been taken from him. He no longer has a future. GOD, I miss him so much. CHARLIE. I love you. Love you so much. I’ve lost you forever. And it’s killing me. GOD, it hurts so bad. I wish I could cry for you but I can’t the tears just won’t come.

As they lower that small white coffin with the shiny brass handles into the ground, I feel my heart break, shatter into a thousand separate pieces. The pain is unbearable. I want to throw myself over that coffin to stop them from taking you away from me. But I can’t. I want you here beside me, your small warm hand held in mine. But I can’t, never again will I feel your hand in mine. Never again will I be able to hold you in my arms and hug you close. Never again will I feel your heartbeat or feel your warm breath against my cheek. OH GOD. Never again will I hear you laugh or see you cry. No more will we play catch or watch a movie, go fishing or watch a game. No more of your jokes for me to laugh at. GOD, don’t think I’ll ever laugh again. No more Charlie. I want to just shut down and lose my mind in all the pain surging through me but I can’t do that either. I have to be strong for Sara.

With every inch that they lower your small white coffin with the shiny brass handles into the ground another piece inside me dies.

Goodbye Charlie. Goodbye my son.

#####

I’m sitting here on Charlie’s bed, it’s only been 3 weeks since the funeral but it feels like a lifetime. Things between Sara and me are so bad now. There’s no going back, things will never be the same. Too much hurt and way too much pain. OH GOD SARA. I’m sorry so sorry. I tried. Tried to make things right. Really I did. But I just keep hurting you. You don’t need that. You don’t need me. I love you Sara, love you so much, always have but it’s not enough, not now.

I can’t do this anymore. Can’t live with all this pain and guilt. I loved Charlie, loved him so much. I’M HIS FATHER FOR CHRIST SAKE. I was supposed to protect him, take care of him and keep him safe. FUCK, I SCREWED THAT UP DIDN’T I? I failed him and I failed you Sara. GOD, I failed you both.

My gun is laid in my lap, held in my shaking hand. Tears are running down my cheeks. I’m crying. For the first time since it happened I’m crying.

 Suddenly Jack was back standing in Charlie’s room watching as that afternoon played out in front of him, unable to stop it.

 An image of Charlie lying on his bedroom floor, a large dark pool growing beneath him, the gun lay beside his prone body where it fell. The large pool expanding as it soaked slowly into the carpet. Charlie’s out stretched body adjacent to his bed, his discarded baseball cap at his side, blood trailing across his bedspread and pillow, splattered up the wall and down the bedside table. His damaged body motionless, blood drenching his once white t-shirt and spreading slowly down his jeans, red smeared through his blonde hair, eyes wide and so full of pain. All these images came together in Jack’s mind. Every single detail of that afternoon.  Nightmare images that he didn’t want or need and that he was powerless to stop. His tears were falling freely now as he slowly raised his gun.

#####

A quiet voice broke through to his troubled mind, pulling him back to the present as loving arms wrapped around him, pulling him against warm skin. Jack wrapped his arms around his lover as he buried his head against the warm familiar chest, listening to the gentle voice as he waited for his breathing to return to normal and the trembling to stop.

“It’s okay Jack. I’m here. It’s just a nightmare, it’s not real.”

“But it was. It did happen.”

“I know Jack.”

“He’d be eleven now.”     

Lips brushed lightly against the top of Jack’s head as the arms wrapped around him tightened. They lay there in the dark the silence surrounding them. There was nothing that could be said to ease the pain of this loss.

“You should try and get some sleep; it’s going to be a long day tomorrow”.

Jack lay listening to the strong heartbeat beneath his ear and felt himself begin to drift.

“I love you Janet. You know that right?”

“Yeah Jack. I love you too”.

Janet ran her hand gently up and down Jack’s back, stroking the soft warm skin, soothing away the last of her lover’s nightmare. She could feel Jack’s body slowly relax against her as his breathing evened out and he was finally asleep. It had taken a while, it always did.

The anniversary of Charlie’s death always coursed Jack to relive that awful day in his dreams. Let’s hope there’re no more dreams tonight. Tomorrow is going to be a long hard day for Jack. It always is. But I’ll be there for him as I was last year and the year before. We’ll get through it together as we always do. Together we’re strong.  

#####

Part 2

This is the only day of the year that he needs me to visit the cemetery with him, the only day he can’t go alone. He says he takes strength from me. We stand side by side at the end of Charlie’s grave, he takes my hand in his, I can feel him trembling, he holds it for a moment then squeezes it before letting it go. He walks around to squat at the head of Charlie’s grave. Taking a deep breath, he exhales slowly as he leans forward and gently places the flowers, arranged in the shape of a baseball and bat, on the grave in front of him then he begins quietly talking to his son.

I wonder a little way back down the path to give him some space. Turning back I silently watch him and wait patiently until I’m needed.

Finally Jack runs his hand tenderly over the name on the headstone and slowly rises to his feet. This is my cue to walk back and meet him.

“You okay?”

He nods slowly but doesn’t speak his body’s on autopilot, his mind far away, another place another time, a different life. We walk back to the car in silence, close but not touching. Time for us to head home. Jack’s already home, but not the one we share, another home, another life complete with a wife and son.

I’m sat up in the middle of our bed, resting against the stack of pillows piled against the headboard, my book now discarded on the bedside cabinet. The late afternoon sun spilling through the window is bathing the bedroom in a soft warm glow. Jack hasn’t spoken since we came back from visiting Charlie; he remains lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to everything around him. He doesn’t mean to shut me out it’s just his way of dealing with it. I can’t stand to watch him hurting like this, to see all that pain in his eyes. When I couldn’t take anymore I retreated in here to wait. He’ll come to me when he’s ready; I know that. So I close my eyes and patiently wait.

I slowly open my eyes as the door opens and Jack enters crossing slowly to the bed, kicking off his shoes. His dark soulful eyes lock with mine, shining with unshed tears. I hold out my hand and he takes it as he climbs onto the bed, sitting between my legs, his back pressed against my chest, his head resting against my shoulder. I wrap my arms tightly around him, pulling him closer. I feel him trembling against my body and know that his tears are in full flow. It’s almost over.

“I love you Jack.”

I whisper against his ear. Then I remain silent, just holding him close wrapped tightly in my arms as he quietly cries. The tears washing away his pain and giving him the strength to get through another year.

Tomorrow is a bright new day and his memories of Charlie will be of happier times.

The end