Title: No Idea Why                         

Author: OsarisAnhur  

Email: osarisanhur@tiscali.co.uk

Status: complete

Category:  Hurt

Pairings: Jack/Janet

Spoilers: none

Season: any

Sequel/Series Info: none

Rating: pg

Content Warnings: none

Summary: Jacks depressed.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. No infringements of copyrights or trademarks were intended. This fan fiction was written for the sole purpose of entertainment and no money was made from it. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author.

File Size: 36kb

Archive: Incoming Wormhole Abydos Gate J/J, Jackfic, anyone else just let me know.

Author’s Note: A really big thank you to Sabine for Reading.  Feedback would be appreciated.

No Idea Why.

The wipers swished hypnotically back and forth across the windscreen. The dark ominous sky adding to his mood. The driving rain echoed in the confined space of his truck as he drove towards home completely lost in his thoughts.

<Why won’t you tell me what I’ve done? Tell me so I can put it right. I don’t wanna lose you. Don’t wanna live without your love. But you’re forcing me to. You’re taking away my right to choose. Taking away the life I want.

You’re pushing me away and I don’t know why. I can’t stop loving you and it’s not fair of you to ask me to. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you turn away from me. I thought we would last forever…till death do us part. And I’ve come close to that so many times. But I always came back to you. I know it’s hard for you, seeing me like that, hurt…but this wasn’t the first time! You knew what to expect when we started this. So what’s changed? What’s new? Tell me please. I have to know.

I survived losing Sara. And Charlie, eventually. Could I survive losing you? Yes. But I’m not sure I want to. I’m tired of fighting and so tired of losing.

I used to be the one to put a smile on your face. Now I’m the one who makes you cry. It used to be me who made you happy. Now all I see is hurt in your eyes. Maybe you’re right to pull away. But that doesn’t make it any easier – not for me.

You said you’d never leave my side. And now you’re gone. Are you lost to me forever? God, I hope not. I need you. I want you in my life. Christ, you are my life. I’m still holding on. I won’t let you go. I can’t.

How am I gonna be strong without you? You are my strength. How am I gonna get through the night and face a new day? How will I find my way? I am lost without you. Alone. Adrift. All at sea.

You’ve left me and I have no idea why. >

#####

Janet sat all alone on the couch, legs tucked up under her, tears running silently down her cheeks. The cool, dark house adding to her desolate mood as she sat lost in thought.

<Oh God! It was so close this time. Too close. I know this wasn’t the first time. That we’ve been here before. But this time it was different. Don’t ask me why…I don’t know! This time it hit me hard. Scared me more than I can say. Maybe this was the last straw. I nearly lost you - forever. And I reacted by pushing you away.

I can’t take it anymore. Can’t take the fear. Waiting…not knowing…God! Not knowing is the worst! It’s frightening what your imagination can do. Everytime you go through the gate I live my life on a knife’s edge. Wondering if you’ll come back to me.  And what state will you be in this time? Will I be able to piece you back together? Repair your body, mind and soul.

You have cheated death so many times. But that won’t last! One day some stupid accident, a rampaging Goa’uld or an angry native will end your life. And mine! Taking away all my hopes and turning all your promises into lies…leaving me all alone…detached…isolated…no where to go!

I still love you. That hasn’t changed. I know you don’t think I do. I’ve seen the tears in your eyes. Your pain as you reach out to me and watch me flinch away. How much longer will you play this game? Or take all this pain. Sooner or later you’re going to just walk away. I’m so sorry for your pain. I know it’s my fault. This is tearing me apart…God knows what it must be doing to you.

I’m drowning in my emotions…lost in my fear…going out of my mind. You’re the only one who can save me. But you’re not here…it’s not your fault I know. I’m the one who keeps pushing you away. God! Help me please. I want to reach out to you. To have back what we’ve lost. But I can’t. What if I reach for you and find you’re not there. I want you. Need you so much. So why do I feel so confused?...too scared to love you…too afraid to leave…so where does that leave us?

To live without your love…can I do that? No. I don’t even want to try. You are my life…my future…you make me complete! Now this fear is consuming me. Destroying what we had. But I just can’t break free.

It doesn’t matter how sad I’ve made you…or how hard I tried to push you away…you hold on…you refuse to give up on what we had. Please, don’t let go of me. You are my anchor…my lifeline. You’re the only one keeping me from falling in to this black hole of despair…without you I’ll  be lost forever.

I have to fight this. But can I? I just don’t know. I have to try to bury my fear and reach out to you. I know you are still there…waiting for me!>

#####

Jack looked up, shock and surprise radiating through him as he slowly stood up. His eyes locked with Janet’s as she turned from closing his front door.

<He was unsure of what to say or do. She looked like hell…he guessed he didn’t look any better.>

 He crossed the room in two strides, as soon as he saw her tears beginning to fall. Pulling her into his strong embrace, he moved his right hand to stroke her hair, the left making soothing circular motions on her back as she sobbed.

“I’m s…sorry Jack…s…s…so sorry…”

She clung to him, her fist clenched around a handful of his shirt…hanging on for dear life. His lips brushed against the top of her head.

“Shhh…it’s okay…it’s gonna be okay I promise…shhh baby…we can sort this out…”

<He didn’t know what had been wrong between them or why she had pushed him away. And, right now, he didn’t care! He was holding the woman he loved. She came back and nothing else mattered. They would talk later, work through their problems. But as he held her in his arms he knew they were gonna be okay…>